My world has lost its colour.
All i see is black and white,
and shades of grey.
I don't want the world to see me like this.
I need my haven of peace.
To friends who care:
Thank you for walking with me all this way.
To those unknown:
Please give me my haven of peace.
~^* About The Gal *^~
~^* Blog *^~
~^* Memories *^~
~^* Links *^~
~^* Tagboard *^~
~^* About Me *^~
A girl by the name of iCeZ.
Born on 17th March 1983.
Enjoys Music: Listening, Playing & Singing inclusive.
Also crazy about basketball with the Slingers but moving further and further from it.
Pain Addiction = Wakeboarding.
I'm CoLd... So DoNt ToUcH Me...
Thursday, November 30, 2006 Que Sara Sara...
Yesterday was wakeboarding day once again.. But the difference this time round was that although we were late, He was even later. Both Him and Jim. Somehow we feel that it was kinda deliberate on their part knowing that we were always late since they weren't really apologetic. Anyway, there was only me and Anne with Him since Iris was not feeling well and Dawn was riding with Jim. We've all become pretty quiet these few sessions, especially Him without His usual nonsense. Don't really know why or maybe it was 'cos i didn't talk much neither. As usual, we went back into the channel which we weren't suppose to. Thus, we had coastguard problem not long after Anne got into the water. Had to quickly keep the cable and get her outta the water so that we could speed off and hide. He was kinda irritated by it but i replied Him that it was 'cos He's stubborn, insisting on coming into the channel instead. I knew i said something that didn't sound very pleasing but it was the truth. Well.. My riding that day wasn't too good again. Don't know why but somehow haven't been doing well lately. Guess i'm physically and mentally fatigued or just trying too hide. Been really wanting to get my wakejumps right and land them. But somehow my body was stiff and my posture was off. Kept falling initially but it got a little better later when i slowed down and tried to learn to maintain the line tension. My final attempt was better. I did jump quite abit but couldn't land it as I didn't soften my knees. Ended up hurting like mad given the condition of my leg. Sianz.. I really have the body of an old woman and hate myself for all my nonsense. Anyway, He'll be flying to melborne soon for a competition so won't see him for awhile. Well, I really don't know what i want as well but like the title, que sara sara.. whatever will be will be... Then it was time for my M5. I was late since we waiting for Dawn to finish. Rushed in and started the exam but was kinda shocked by the first few questions as i was really kinda blur. Was really afriad that i'll fail but thank God i passed. Now it's on to M9 later in the evening... Haven't finished studying.. may God help me... Then went over to Iris's shop to slack but ended up helping her with pasting the hangers. To be honest, i didn't really like what was happening. It was not about helping out, i'm fine with that, but it was the way she behaved. Kept away when there were customers around and although she treated me to dinner for helping, i was asked to eat outside instead. I didn't have to humble myself that way but as a friend, i shall just keep my peace. But guess i know i won't slack around there as usual anymore. I wish life was more innocent...
Okay, I'm back to continue with yesterday's session... Well, to start off with it wasn't too good as first I was late. We had arranged for 10am but it was 10.30am by the time I arrived, slightly after Dawn and gang. Actually Dawn had called when I was just walking over to the pier and I did see the boat at the pier when i was approaching but He had actually started the boat and had to turn back slightly for me. He didn't look too happy with us being late so Dawn apologised and I said it was my fault as I was indeed the last to arrive and Dawn's lateness was kinda contributed by me as well. Anyway, He really didn't seem to be in a good mood that day. Not His usual crappy self and didn't even talk much. Don't know why or maybe it was just because there were new people around, Jasmine and Elaine. But i recall how He was still able to joke with Elaine during her first session. Really don't know what's wrong... Riding wasn't good yesterday as well... Was still trying to get my progressive edging right and my posture wasn't too good neither. Just couldn't set up my wakejump nicely as according to Dawn, I didn't really jump much. Sigh~ Asked Him for comments after and He joked that I wasn't riding or in a way, it sucked. I was disappointed obviously but I knew my riding wasn't good too. Well, I just got to put in more effort. I wanna do well not just becuase of Him okay.. I really wanna do well in what I do and put in my best effort. Don't really know how much longer i can go riding with them as well since my final semester will start in just slightly more than a month. Don't know if I have classes on Wednesday and then it will be attachment and posting which will permanently rule out weekdays. Life's gonna go back to its monotonous routine and it's gonna be one without Him near or anyone perhaps. What am I suppose to do? Cofusion Rules...
Monday, November 27, 2006 I'm Gullible and Naive... Confusion Rules Once Again...
Well... I have an exam to sit for in like 8 hours time but here I am wide awake. One, i took a nap since i was like freaking tired today. Two, read the title... I guess you peeps don't have to wonder why right? Well, let start with Wednesday's session. Decided to "confront" Him about Friday's ignored sms as encouraged by the gals. To start things off, we were late as I had to wait for Anne and then the queue for cab. But He was still okay and commented we looked tired. Well, mine was more of a black face and i just kept quiet. Anne spoke to Him instead about having just came back from her flight and stuff. Didn't really talk much since i was suppose to be emo anyway until Anne got into the water. Once again He commented on us looking "tired" and about the hot weather. So decided to just start off casually with "Hey, friday night you were so busy arh? SMS you never reply." To which He gave His "innocent" look and went "got meh? what you message me? You sure you messaged the right person?" Hurhur~ How many person by His name are there? I only know 1 lor. =P Told Him i asked if he was working that night and whether there were seats available. He said He didn't receive any and proceeded to "check" His phone. So i did the same and told him that message was sent at 11.15pm. Hurhur~ He said He was working then so He should have replied if He saw it. Then said He could have been asleep already 'cos of the comp the next day but then again it was too early since He was still working then. "Dunno if you daoz me or what mah." =X Kinda wanted to hint that i didn't quite believe. But nevermind.. *Read Title* So just changed the topic to the comp and asked Him how was it. He said it was ok and He came in third which i told Him i knew. He was kinda surprised how i knew so told him that it was already updated on the website with the photos and clips. Well, don't mind him knowing that i check the site lar since it's just a general wakeboarding site. Then the crapping began again as he took out his mic, thought can sing karaoke which i think will scare away the people and get IMH called in. LOL! Then the pitch of his voice if lowered will sound like Rod Steward. Pukes! Well, generally that's that lar. The riding part.. still trying to learn to get the approach for my wakejump right but doing progressive loading. Then managed to execute my surface 180 liao! Yippee! Can fakie and swing back but can't really move in fakie since i tend to edge out on my heel side. But at least it's an improvement! Spent Thursday through Saturday studying except for Friday evening as I had to work for the Metro Lady's Night. Lots of confusion at the start and me bitching at the end. Haha. But overall it was okay lar. Anyway, shall continue with today's session in another post. Gotta sleep. Exam in a few hours.. Haha~
Ok. Shall continue to post from where i left off.. I was pissed with Him then but it didn't stop me from thinking of Him and the competition. So on Sunday, i actually walked down to Kallang River in hope of seeing Him ride. Well, firstly i couldn't get near as the tentage area was very empty and i would have been too exposed. So i walked around and up unto the bridge. Saw Him from afar but He wasn't riding; Just hanging around and helping out. Well, that's that. Then went down with Michelle to meet Iris at the SAF yatchclub. The 3 of us instantly became the bikini babes of the carnival as the rest of the crowd were overless dressed for such a watersports day. We actually volunteered to sit on the dunking machine to get dunked! Haha~ And i had gamely posed for a picture for the sports drink they were promoting. Will post up the photos when i get them. It was really fun as we managed to ride on the jetskis and banana boat. The jetski was cool as my rider was really pro. The banana was crazy as we all tried to control the boat but got slammed into the water a few times. Damn pain! And had to swim back somemore. LOL! Ended up with an aching body.. After that went down to town to meet the UO team. We took alot of photos in Wisma! Haha~ Really love the team since we all manage to get along very well and we're a crazy bunch! Photos!!!
My teamies! Victor,Jason,Me,Wenguang,Sherrie & Dalvin!
Ermz.. then we went for a drink together at cuppage area. Started off playing 7-up and the forfeit was to drink. Then it was 5-10.. and Sherrie suggested that the forfeit was ice passing! Argh~ Haha. All getting abit high liao must be. So that was that and you guys go think as the ice melts and gets smaller.. Erhem.. Yeah~ I kissed my colleagues, Sherrie, Wenguang.. and Dalvin and Victor directly on the lips as we dropped the ice. ARGH! What were we all thinking of manz! Faintz~ Monday was meeting with karen and KimSoon. And time to run peeps! 'Cos i'll be taking my M5 on Wed, M9 and Fri and my AIMS course the week after. If all else don't fail, i'll officially be an insurance agent with Prudential. Haha~ For the sake of money and friends.. but i'm really going nutty. Haiyoh~ Okok... Con't about Him in the next post...
ARGH!!! Let me vent my fustrations a little.. Bear with me or simply close the window. First, today was my 1st day of work with United Overseas Bank for their roadshow. Reported to work at 1030am. Was suppose to end at 9pm but there was a sudden influx of people walking in during closing that we ended up serving the last customer till 10pm! Then had to help dalvin to do closing since it's his first time being team leader. Sherry and myself actually stayed with Dalvin till nearly 11 when we finally settled everything. Freaking tired! I'm just a newbie leh. So what if i have experience in this line before? Diners' was like monkey years ago lor! Haiyoh~ Think i just too nice lar. Heng, when i got home Terri gal didn't give me too much trouble. Ok, now for the pissed part. As I've said, continue at your own risk. @&(@$&)*%)# Don't you even have the courtesy to reply?! Okay, First i was kinda happy that He actually did recognise my number 'cos I called Him to make an appointment for wednesday but He didn't answer. Guess He was busy but He called back immediately soon after when i was just about to message. He knew it was me who called since He addressed me by name when i answered. Then later i remembered that He is taking part in the competition for the next 2 days so i decided to message Him to wish Him good luck. No reply. NVM~ maybe He's busy but i had hoped for at least a thanx or something. Then was actually thinking of heading down to Loof for drinks to chill with Dalvin and Sherry so i messaged Him to ask if He was working there tonight and if there were seats. No reply. @&($()@@#^$*&( Hey, i asked a question. Nothing crappy. Why can't you reply?! Busy? Can't be 'cos i never did get a reply for hours. Didn't get it. I tested my phone, it was ok unless His is at fault which how high are the chances? I mean you could have just answered something short right?! Like yes, there are seats or like i will make reservations for you. Or that i'm not there if He wasn't working there. What other reasons?! Ggggrr.. Nvm~ I too good right? I give Him till morning in case He really didn't see it or what. But i seriously doubt i will get a reply. Idiot. So what if i like you? It doesn't mean that you can forget about basic courtesy or replying when a question is asked right?! Then you can feel relief now 'cos i hate such idiots. Pissed.
Okay, i know the recent posting are too wordy and lengthy. So it's photos time!
Finally got the photos that Alvin took for us many sessions back. LOL! Here's our wakeboarding cliche!
This was when we celebrated Iris's birthday at waketime!
And this is my Terri gal~ A black 1 mth+ old stray cat which Anne and I found at Bugis Village. Decided to adopt her with Anne and yes, we both named her after erhem.. LOL! Really loving but can be quite troublesome at time. Hehe~
Don't know why but i'm often feeling tired and in a daze recently. Think it's due to the lack of sleep when i was rushing assignments bah. But i did manage to get quite abit of sleep leh. Nevermind. Read on to understand what happened... Tuesday was more like a rest day for me after the final assignment was handed in on Monday. Was thinking if i should hit the gym but decided against it since i wanted to shop for boardshorts and prepare the next day's breakfast, and i didn't want the muscle ache for wakeboarding. So i headed down to Bishan in hope of getting my boardshorts from 37degrees. Ended up the pair i wanted wasn't on discount which was weird since it was when i saw it at Jurong Point. Didn't get it in the end as the size was kinda funny. I wanted something loose so i could wear it low but it ended that L was just nice but i couldn't wear it low while XL was too big. Didn't see anything else that i liked. Sianz. So went to get the ingredients for breakfast the next day. Decided to try to bake my muffins once again since the last attempt wasn't too successful. This time round it was much better although i felt that it was still a little dry. I know i added in more milk and oil this time round so i guess it's because of the heat. Then i met was online talking to Stephen and Roy till quite late while updating the previous blog entry. Based on that, i should have slept around 2+ nearly 3am. Okay, so i woke up at 7am the next morning from Dawn's morning call. That's 4hours of sleep. So was still kinda tired and in a daze. Took a cab down to Punggol Marina and thankfully Terry was still attending to his boat, preparing it for competition over the weekend. Well, there was only me and Dawn since Iris was riding with Jim and the rest couldn't make it. Got into the water and when i was up riding, just couldn't really focus since i was still in that daze. Terry noticed that i just wasn't focusing and told Dawn i looked blur and commented that sleep is important. Yes Sir. I know... Haiz.. But after awhile it was better and i was trying to improve me edging. Managed to cross wakes at a faster speed now and managed some small wake jumps. Yippee. Haha~ And i finally mastered my surface 180 as well! Although i was too excited when i swung back that i fell. Haha~ At least I made some improvements. Anyway, He was kinda nice trying to crack a joke or two to brighten things up although we felt that He was kinda moody as well. Guess He can be quite caring lar. Hehe~ First was when i got back up on the boat and He offered me a drink as He was getting one for Himself. Then He noticed i was trying to manouveur my ankle and that i commented it hurt. So He asked what was wrong, was it my knee or ankle which was hurting. 'Cos He thought my knee was giving me problems again since that's what i alway complain about when riding. Don't know why my ankle hurt as well leh. Maybe binding was too loose when i was trying to edge and fell. Anyway, i took Iris's advise and joked with Him about my performance. Asked if my performance this week was better compared to last week, 'cos of the comment He made to Iris about last week's performance. He tried to act blur so i asked Him what He said and that He didn't reply my sms. Haha~ So He joked that He said I was lousy. Gggrrr.. So i said that so my performance this week is better right? He went like, "isit?" Ggggrrr.. Then it was Dawn's turn to ride. Tried to make small talk here and there but was really too tired so I leaned back to laze on the boat. So He asked if i was having classes later in the day. Did wonder a little why He asked but just replied Him no. So He said then I could go home and have a good rest. Hehe~ Sounded kinda sweet i feel. Then I learnt that Dawn had actually offered Him the muffins and He said He'll have them later in the office instead since He had to drive the boat. But i was too paiseh to offer Him so Iris did so in the office. Both He and Jim ate. Well, Iris said that He kinda "um chio" when He took it. Haha~ Dunno lar! And i actually message Him that night to disturb lar. "Hi. See lar. Slept in the day, at night can't sleep. Owl liao. Haha. Nitez." But He didn't reply also lar which was expected. Haiz.. What should i do with me and my nonsense?!
Well, how should i put it? Guess i'm just confused and lost about what i want. Or maybe it's just the emptiness i'm hoping to fill. But the sight of someone that day brought thoughts back into my mind. Someone i had a crush on. Well, don't know who might just chance to read this but nevermind, the path for everyone is gonna split apart soon with graduation approaching. Monday noon, went back to school to hand in my assignment. Went up and when the lift door opened, i saw Jessica and a group of friends, and amongst them, stood him. Felt kinda shocked since i seldom see him around nowadays. We just took a look at each other till Jessica said hi, to which i tried to regain my composure but managed a weak hi in reply. My heart skipped a beat and my mind went chaotic thereafter. Actually went to see where he was after handing in my assignment and managed to find him. Walked past each other like another 2 times but didn't say a word. It seems like we had never known each other. Now memories of the past floods back. We first started out at coursemates who didn't know each other although we were in the same group for two tutorials. Only started talking much later during CED when we both sat at the back and chatted over many things. I remember about once when we talked about his new apartment and how he'll be affected by earthquake shockwaves. About the places he wanted to visit 'cos of his craze over skyscrapers...It was then that i slowly started to notice him and developed a crush on him. But there were times as well when he was moody and ignored me. I remember the time i tried to talk to him but he ignored me and talked to Alan instead. I learnt later that he was worried about a friend. Then i learnt about the story behind his windbreaker and how it was a parting gift from a girl who bought the exact same gift as him. So there was someone special to him, and some said he was attached. But nevertheless, the liking i had for him slowly grew. And i ever did nearly break up with Adrian over him 'cos he found out. Times were shortlived and we no longer had classes together. But i would still look out for him and there was the time i specially took photos of the IFC tower in HongKong during my trip for him and emailed him 'cos i knew he liked skyscrapers. Then i did something crazy, or perhaps i should say the crazy one was Renee. She was looking for OGLs for FOC and i said i would go if he did. The next moment i knew, she went straight to approach him and got a yes. orientation was the best memory i had. I remember how it started out with us not talking since we were in different groups. It was only until the at night when he asked about my leg. Bad knee was huanting me again. Then i chanced to meet him during Fright night waiting for it to end. Didn't know it was him at first since everyone was dressed up and he had a mask on. Until he was like,"how can you not know me? The one that likes your bag and talks to you in class." I was surprised but we started to talk while waiting. Then came the next evening, everyone was downstairs in the canteen having dinner while i was walking around upstairs attending to my calls since i had bball matters. Then i saw him approaching and asked why if he wasn't having dinner. But without responding, he came over and wanted to jokingly hit me with the whistle we all had. That starting a catching game with us running around campus. Didn't really chase after him for long since my knee was hurting. But it was fun. But we didn't get to talk. The next thing i knew, he left the camp for some reason or another. Then everything fell apart as when school started, we kinda noticed that he seemed to be avoiding me and my cliche. Karen was the one to notice as she had to work with Mark. Everytime she was near, he would leave the group. It happened as well with me. The most obvious instance was when i was with karen in the canteen. We saw him approaching and he suddenly changed path so as not to walk pass us. Things just continued that way. We slowly saw less of each other since we didn't have any tutorials together and lectures were few. Now, we hardly know each other... I thought i had forgotten, but once again the memories flood back. It's not that i want anything. Just that thoughts come back and confusion strikes...
Haha.. Okay, i forgot to update once again. So shall cut things short. Sunday's wakeboarding was fun since there was a big group of us. Anyway, just to cut things short... first, i made Onigiri which everyone ate, except Him. Ggrr.. But everyone liked it lar. Haiz.. 是他没口福!Then, there was an instance when He had to dive down to get rid of a plastic bag stuck at the propellors and guess what, the minute He dived down, Dawn shouted, "May, come quick!" ARGH~ 'cos they knew how i like the wet look Him. Nuts lar! Do you gals know how paiseh it is?! Haiyoh... Okay, fast forward to Wednesday's wakeboarding... Ended up with only Me, Anne and a new girl, Elaine. Iris lost her contact lens and Amelia woke up late. So i had to take the lead lar. We had to drive the boat all the way out to Seletar since Terry was already being watched. LOL~ Not suppose to wakeboard in the channel anymore. Anyway, that crab is crappy! I was getting ready to ride and wearing the bindings while He was coiling the cable. Then He started to dangle to handle in front of me. Thinking that He wanted to pass it to me, i grabbed it but He didn't let go. So i looked at Him and said that i was still wearing my bindings. So He went like, "nevermind, it's ready for you to hang yourself liao." Siao lar! Told Him to try first. LOL~ Then He started to play around with it and hit me on the head with it. OEI~ Crazy guy. LOL! But i kinda ride pretty badly that day 'cos i guess i was thinking too much. Don't know why i let myself get so emo, but firstly, it was Xing's birthday to which i did message him happy birthday and he replied with a smiley face, second, i think He was talking on the phone with His girl, and third, i was thinking too much on riding well i guess. He kinda noticed 'cos i was quite fustrated about not being able to edge in. He felt i was over confident as i was rushing in. Asked what i was thinking about or what i heard. Well, only did i found out during lunch that at that moment, Anne actually answered Him, "thinking of you lor." Anne! I thought you were a neutral party! Maybe that's why He didn't dare to reply my sms. LOL~ 'Cos during lunch Iris said she asked Him about our performance that day and vaguely remembered Him mentioning about me. So i actually messaged Him to ask if my performance was that bad and what did He tell Iris. Haiz.. Nevermind. Fastforward to Sunday since the other days were spent at home rushing assignments. Wakeboarding session was cancelled as everyone was too tired or busy. I had to go down to Takashimaya for 3-on-3 anyway. Was actually a event under PAYM T-net club. So saw some people like Celine, Kelvin and Mr. Pao. But doesn't really matter. Nothing exciting happened also. Spent the rest of the evening at Dawn's shop stoning and helping her out. Guess i really slack there quite often. Haha~ K lar, that somehow summarises my week.. now do to my next posting...
Sunday, November 05, 2006 Sleep is becoming a luxury..
Once again i've finally dig time out to update my bloggie. So where shall I start? I know all i blog about nowadays is wakeboaring and HIM, but HEY! that's really the only interesting thing in my life nowadays since i hardly have a life outta school. Assignments are all due and i'm killing myself with sleepless nights trying to get them done. Sigh~ So here goes... Monday was spent largely in school until i met up with Kenny for dinner. His treat as i'm going broke so very soon. Haha. Had sushi as usual and was really full. Since it was early, we decided to take a walk and Kenny suggested walking over to Suntec area. I know there's a short route from Bugis through Liang Seah and Shaw Tower to Suntec but the nonsensical me of course had to talk the long route out through Bras Basah so that i would pass by THAT certain place. Ended up doing my nonsensical act of checking out if he was around or not... (I didn't go up but don't ask me how)... but he wasn't. Think he doesn't work there over the weekends i suppose. Chey~ Haha. Tuesday.. Oh yar! My Lappie's home! Haha. Dad couldn't stand it any longer that my laptop was lying around and i was simply too lazy or busy to bring it for servicing. So now it's finally back and running! Can surf in the luxury of my own bed now. =P Anyway, i tried to bake muffins for breakfast the next day but it didn't turn out too great as i didn't use enough oil and butter so it ended up a little dry. Decided not to bring it along since i wanted it to be perfect. Wednesday was of course wakeboarding day. Ended up running very late as Dawn had some matters to attend to. Had michelle and her guy friend joining us for the first time. Really enjoyed ourselves. Well, things with Him are pretty much the same. Lot of teasing by Dawn and Iris.. Lots of crapping by Him.. But i really wonder at times what he's thinking 'cos he ain't an idiot and should have already sensed it. But well, at least things are considered good this way as it ain't too awkward for anyone. Then it was time to come home to prepare for Lawrence's wedding dinner in the evening. Ended up wearing pants instead of my LBD. Guess i'm really not a girly person. Haha~ But it was really nice to see so many of the guys altogether as it's kinda rare nowadays after everyone has their own things to do and no longer gather at the basketball court so often anymore. Kinda miss those days when things were simply and the whole group just hanged out at the basketball court. I don't deny that the group has been drifting apart.. The wedding was kinda tame or should i say the only crazy bunch at the dinner was of course none other than the group of us. Especially during the table photo taking when all of us rushed over to join our "main" table to take a group photo of around 20 of us? It was indeed a rare chance for most of us to be there together and be dressed up to take a group photo. Wasn't too out of place as well since some of the guys had brought along their girlfriends/wives. But of course i was the one who seemed more as part of the guys. Haha~ The guys never did quite see me as a girl i suppose. But that's what make me feel a sense of attachment to them before. Really miss those days. Thursday was once again spent largely in school but i went cranky again in the evening and headed out to town specially to check out the prices for His Macbook since he asked and i knew that there were educational rates for teachers but wasn't sure how much. Ended up messaging him that the difference wasn't too great as he had thought to be but didn't get a respond. Felt kinda cheated at that moment since i had a feeling that he had lied about hearing of high discounts for NTU students and stuff and wondered if it was to test me out or something. Well.. i shan't let that doubtful evil side of me take control. Trust him not to be such a person. Friday was a rainy day... Went to the school library to get books for my assignment which i'm rushing for.. Then had to head down to Hougang CC as i had been hired as Emcee for their Clean and Green Week and PCF Graduation Event through my newly joined events company, XLOC. It was okay. But didn't really enjoy doing such formal, scripted event as i feel too restricted and there was nothing excited. But overall was okay lar. Chatted up the photographer whom i gave my namecard to. Ain't really cute but well, networking and socialising mah! Didn't sleep much till 6am as i was talking to Amelia online while rushing CCS. Saturday.. woke up late and had to rush down to ACS for bball. Was suppose to officiate the first game but ended up arriving too late and did table duties for both games since the 2nd match was a tough game for the guys. That equates to more spending as i took a cab and less earnings as i changed duties. Sigh~ Really broke le! How?! I need a job. Actually, Andy asked if I'm interested in doing bigger events such as D&Ds and functions stuff.. Like one on new year's countdown. How? Should i sacrifice my countdown and work. Well, told him i'll consider and we can confirm nearer the date when the details are settled. Guess it depends on whether i have any tempting appointments then, anyone special to spend it with, how much they are paying me, etc. Okay, getting lengthy. Will post today seperately with photos! Hehe~