My world has lost its colour.
All i see is black and white,
and shades of grey.
I don't want the world to see me like this.
I need my haven of peace.
To friends who care:
Thank you for walking with me all this way.
To those unknown:
Please give me my haven of peace.
~^* About The Gal *^~
~^* Blog *^~
~^* Memories *^~
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~^* About Me *^~
A girl by the name of iCeZ.
Born on 17th March 1983.
Enjoys Music: Listening, Playing & Singing inclusive.
Also crazy about basketball with the Slingers but moving further and further from it.
Pain Addiction = Wakeboarding.
I'm CoLd... So DoNt ToUcH Me...
Sunday, January 21, 2007 Pissed...
Dunno what to say.. Still damn pissed.. Was busy the whole week with school and stuff and already have the coming week packed as well so was really looking forward to wakeboard outing with the gals today. Had even gone gocery shopping on friday as I had said that I'll make breakfast for everyone. Spent saturday at home preparing as I was making fruit tarts.. Need to prepare dough and filling.. Then what happens?! Bloody old man had to call Dawn at like past 10pm to say that He only just realised that another customer had made an earlier appointment and asked us all to go on Jim's boat instead. WT#*&#???!!! What more, Dawn had made the booking like 2 weeks ago so He's saying that it took Him 2 weeks to realise that He had another appointment?! Somehow I don't buy it 'cos it ain't like Him to be that disorganised.. But for Him to lie.. I mean, what for?! Really spoilt the day for the group of us.. initially there were 7.. only 2 went.. and Jim charges quite high for the weekends too.. and jim could still ask where were the rest of us.. I really wonder how apologetic is that old man feeling.. not a tinge perhaps.. Don't know what to say.. I'm pissed..
Wednesday, January 17, 2007 Bored.. Bloody moodswings
Well, it seems like I'm alway back dating but at least it forces me to summarise. (Although Neo will still say I'm writing essays.. =P) Friday was an eventful day. Went for lunch with Karen, JingHan, Isa, Elaine and Casey. Headed down to Katong which I haven't been in eons. Was suppose to eat at a place called Auston but it was closed when we arrived. (Hmm.. they serve Wagyu Beef btw.. yummy~!) Ended up walking up and down the row of shop houses and settling for the HongKong Cafe across the street but kinda disappointed 'cos the food wasn't really nice. Auston was opened when we walked pass again later. Haha~ Then headed over to Parkway Parade, a place i used to hangout when i was younger. Haha~ Kinda miss those times honestly. Decided not to head down to office since i was in denim and also 'cos i didn't have anything to report. =X Then came home to feed my gal with deworming pill which was like a struggle. Haha~ Was suppose to head down to the CC for the perfomance by Ark Music but ended up getting stuck at home and arriving only when it had ended. LOL~ Anyway, Michlle had organised a chillout session at Loof and I was assigned to reserve seats with Him. Didn't wanna call Him direct 'cos it was kinda weird when I can call the place instead and I didn't want it to seem like it was my idea anyway. But ended up having to call Him still 'cos the staff had asked us to walk in instead. But as it turns out, the don't hold bookings after 10pm and He asked if we could head down earlier but it wasn't possible since Dawn had to close shop first. He said He'll try but it didn't sound very nice, so ended up messaging Him at Dawn's shop that it was okay, we'll just walk in later instead. Reached Loof and decided to take a seat inside instead so didn't quite catch Him until Michelle was curious to see who Shane was. So we took a stroll out, spotted Shane so had to say hi, had to casually ask for Him, saw Him sitting back-faced us with some customers so didn't disturb. Shane asked if we wanted to speak to Him but told him we were just asking and went back. Anyway, at the volume and rate the gals were speaking about Him and teasing me, I'm not going to be surprised that the staffs there are gonna be curious, especially when there were 2 standing so near us and 1 was actually giving us, or me, a weird look. *faintz* But, He didn't come over to say hi, not until He was heading to the washroom and i spotted Him, signalled Dawn who turned around, and He saw us and had to come over. Didn't even say much but was like asking if we were cold inside (Dawn had a shawl wrapped round her...) and looking for seats outside for us. A staff helped direct us out instead and technically, it was already pretty empty by then. And that was that. But somehow i had a feeling that things weren't quite right since even Shane had walked pass us and i caugth glimpses of him looking over. Don't know why.. Don't think I wanna know. *sigh* But overall the chillout session was cool, with gals talk between the 4 of us (Dawn, Jasmine, Michelle and Myself). It's fun to just relax with a group of friends and chat... I agree with Jasmine that we should do such more often.. Hey, it ain't 'cos of Him, k.. It can be any other place too.. and considering the scenario on that night, i guess it might be a good idea to consider somewhere else.. *sigh* The weekends were spent stoning at home, playing with my darling gal.. Really bored and suffering from bloody moodswings.. or just downswings..
Okay, continuation to wednesday's wakeboarding session as usual. Slot was at 9am as Terry had another appointment at 10am. First questioned asked,"Where are the others?" Well, I was riding alone that day and had already told Him on my sms to arrange for the slot. So told Him that Anne and Iris were overseas while Dawn was riding later at 10am with Jim. Second question asked,"Then why don't you join her instead? Got company not so boring mah." My reply? "..." What can I say wor? Just had to find an answer and said that I didn't wanna disturb them and that I wasn't used to the way Jim talks at times. Sigh~ Hey, let's get the facts straight. We have always been riding with Terry unless he or his boat was away. It was Iris and Dawn who later decided to go over to ride with Jim instead so shouldn't he feel glad that I/we decided to stay on and continue to ride with him? And this wasn't the first time that we split boats. Haiz.. Watever. The session was once again with me repeat my problems with progressive edging, especially on my toeside. Somehow can't feel how much I'm loading now and Terry keeps repeating that I'm charging in. So He comented that i keep repeating my mistakes and will be going round in circles if I don't correct them.. He even asked me to go home and think about it.. *Sigh* Then was thrown over to Jim's boat 'cos He wanted me to watch Dawn ride.. Talked again about progressive edging and was tempted into riding again with Jim. Still had some problems and wasn't quite used to riding with Jim, board, binding and all.. But what was the surprising thing was that Jim actually asked Dawn a similar question, why was I riding alone with Terry. ???!!! What's wrong?! I mean this wasn't the first time and like I said, we have always been riding with Terry. And what about Dawn? She was the one who crossed over and she was riding alone with Jim. Gggrrr... Why must it be me again, and I believe they already have some idea in their heads.. so why still wanna kaypoh? *Sigh* Whatever lar.. Then went for lunch with Dawn which I didn't quite feel like eating and then went to the national library although I had initially wanted to head home. Was looking for some books for breakfast ideas (Sigh~ Why do i still wanna bother being nice?) Then actually found a book on dance stretches.. Somehow i miss dancing. Although i had never dance professionally but the basics i did when i was young, then doing Hip-hop for awhile and changing over to Modern and Jazz with Gng.. Latino Jam with Suhairi.. And actually having chereographed the dance item for the team during the Kagoshima exchange. I just love the feeling of being free and moving my body to express myself. Really hope that when I start being financially adequate again, I'll be able to make time to get back on the dance floor again. Looking forward to doing Jazz perhaps with Dino or modern with Gng. Michelle asked me to join her for Salsa classes as well. Not forgeting the Latino Jam with Suhairi which i enjoyed so much. Going get myself into shape again, and no, round is not an option. Haha.. with wakeboarding on top of that.. I really wonder if it will be possible.. Well, meanwhile, i shall just work on regaining my stamina and stretching. (",)
Okay, short quick updates over the week... Thursday: I finally caught a movie in a long while. Watch Death note 2 with Kelvin alhtough I've yet to watch death note 1. Cool show~ Will definitely get my hands on 1 and wait for the next 2 to come. Then had to head down for NBL again. Tiring! Friday: First ever monthly meeting as an official member of sieg. Got made to do the traditional intro which ended up making all the managers feel I have the potential and then to take up the Bangkok Challenge for newbies which is making me motivated but very stress. Met Desmond and co. as well to head down to Mindcafe for boardgaming session. Weekends were surprisingly spent at home.. packing up my room for the new semester and work life to come. Monday: 1st day of school. 830am class. As usual, I can't seem to be on time. Haiz. Really bad habit of mine but trying hard to break but failing still. Finally meet up with everyone after the hols but still nothing much really lar. Haiz.. but, 2nd pair of school to break within the span of less than a week! Haiz.. dunno what's wrong with me and shoes.. so had to buy a new pair immediately again. Tuesday was spent at home spending time with my darling gal. Haha~ I spend alot of time at home recently to the surprise of many. Partially 'cos I'm going broke and going out usually means me spending alot of money 'cos I can't control my buying urge and craving for good food, and also 'cos I enjoy just lazing around at home with my darling and playing with her. Like Him, she makes me happy.. maybe 'cos I gave her the same name.. Haha~ It's sounds stupid to many but hey! I'm silly..
Haven't blogged about last wednesday's wakeboarding session but it was a happy one. Anne was late so sat outside waketime waiting for her as the office was empty and He was nowhere to be seen. Didn't wanna call Him neither since I thought I would just wait for Anne. Then He came round and saw me sitting there so asked if I wanted to ride first while waiting for Anne. Walked over to the pier and He asked why I looked so stone. Told Him i slept at 5am (refer to previous post)and He was thinking I was nuts. Haha~ Then asked Him how was Monday night at Loof, stunned Him a little since I guess He didn't expect me to know or ask. Just said it was ok lor. Called Anne who was on her way waiting for a cab so decided to wait for her. Walked over to the boat and got it, sat down.. Then the surprising thing happened. He actually laid down at the back of the boat to chat! Haha~ Never would have expected it 'cos usually He'll go fuss over other stuff or check the boat. Then he mentioned about how he slept late the previous night as well at past 2am which i thought was common for Him considering that He had to work. But He said He wasn't working the night before so it was like the weekends for Him where He'll usually sleep as early as 9.30pm. But He was up watching vcds/dvds instead.. which i actually replied, "Then is you 'huo gai' lor." LOL~ Then asked Him if He was in a hurry as He had arranged for the session to be earlier. He said it was okay, just have a meeting to go for later. Do some site recke for a pub or something.. (Hmm.. sounds weird right? Somehow i still don't believe he doesn't have anything in with Loof..) Talked about riding on other days since I'm starting school and then about me actually gonna become a teacher so dunno if can still continue to ride, etc. Really enjoyed that short little time like that.. Till Anne came and we went off to ride. The session was okay, but still trying to get the feel of my edge which He said I'm still rushing and coming in too hard. Can't feel it leh until i get the faceplants. Haha~ But I actually managed to do a small heelside 1 wake jump and landed it! Haha. But He said where got people keep practicing but become worse instead. Haha~ Me lor! *paiseh* But not like i don't wanna improve right?! =( He was His usual joker self lar so quite fun. Hehe~ Then went over to Dawn's and bought a new set once again although I'm really broke. Haha~ Insane. Then a stupid thing happened when I was going for NBL. My havanas strap broke! ARGH! Damn pissed and actually ended up walking barefooted to Icon to get a pair of slippers. Thankfully I was just at Liang Seah Street near Phine's. Haiz.. there goes my favorite havanas and to think it's barely a few months old. Then went for NBL which was okay lar.. standard procedures for me liao.. Well, things between me and Him might be improving but I still have to constantly remind myself He's attached and He's just being nice to a customer, a friend.. But i still like Him.. silly me..
After the previous post, i was suppose to go to bed but i ended up falling asleep at 5am when i was going wakeboarding the next day. Well, i had actually decided not to sms JR that night since we were messaging each other the past few nights and i didn't wanna take the initiative as well. But the phone beeped and he asked for my email address and sent me the photos of Alexey and some which we took together. Well, just thanked him and stuff so it stopped for awhile there till he msged me again to ask why i was still awake. Said i just got offline and was going to bed and asked what about him. He said it was one of those sleepless nights and wished he was drunk so as to sleep better. Asked him what was wrong and to quote him that drinking wasnt good for health but he didn't wanna talk about it and instead asked me then why am i always drinking. This led to discussing about relationship stuff.. That i have guys who like me but i'm not interested but like one i can't have instead. He asked why and that there were many refs around for me to choose from and tried to promote them to me. But i just don't have the feel for these guys so he asked whom do i have feel for. My initial answer was for myself.. and then i did something naughty. I said what if i have feel for him then? He thought i was joking and not to pull his leg so i said, don't believe sua. Haha~ I know i was kinda insane to say something like that but well, i was kinda curious to know his response. But he just responded that he doesn't have the x-factor to attract gals that's why he's still single. I was also insane enough to ask him about the rumour i heard that he was after Gwen.. He neither agreed nor denied but asked whom i heard it from and repeated that he was single.. I told him there's so many female refs around now for him to consider, maybe he just didnt noticed if any were interested.. i also asked him if there were any he liked so i might go kaypoh for him. Haha~ Well, he didn't reply lar. Aiya, i think i was really kinda insane lar but well, it was a pretty "interesting" conversation... But should i make anything of it?
Tuesday, January 02, 2007 A new year... wishing for a new start...
To begin.. I guess i should wish everyone a Happy New Year... Although honestly, the new year hasn't been too happy a one for me. Are a person's looks that important? Well, apparently it is to some i guess.. And before i continue, once again i must say.. Heck to whoever may be reading this... Firstly, i guess i must also include this statement in all my photo postings from now onwards: Photos are decieving.. Believe at your own risk. Perhaps it's because of all the wakeboarding photos i've taken and posted recently that has attracted more comments and attention. For the record, i did not fix up any of the photos except for the brightness and contrast. So i guess it just happens that the photos were well taken so i look better in them. But if that is what you expect or more when you see me.. please kindly do not be disappointed.. But if you do.. then i honestly have nothing more to say to you or about you.. So much nonsense has happened within the span of the past wk as noticed from the previous postings.. It didn't get any better. Case 1: Met someone whom i've barely known and end up having people running off.. (Read above if you wonder why) Case 2: I end up being crazy enough that night to end up sitting by the Singapore River till morning with a friend's friend who is attached. Talked and lean on him and gave him a goodbye kiss. Case ?: I found meself message JR every night.. And yesterday night, as i was watching the fireworks alone.. I actually messaged him:"Happy New Year. Had thoughts of counting down with you.. Just thoughts.. Haha.." Don't know if he didn't catch it or just acted blur.. but this morning's reply was simply:"countdown with me? I'm a very boring person.. not fun to countdown with.." What exactly do i want? I don't know the answer honestly. Perhaps i do have some feelings for him but then i ask myself, what about my bear? I still do like Him but i know also that it ain't possible. It's not that i'm desperate neither but incidents that have happened recently just breaks me down piece by piece.. I'm tired.. I need my haven of peace..
