My world has lost its colour.
All i see is black and white,
and shades of grey.
I don't want the world to see me like this.
I need my haven of peace.
To friends who care:
Thank you for walking with me all this way.
To those unknown:
Please give me my haven of peace.
~^* About The Gal *^~
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~^* About Me *^~
A girl by the name of iCeZ.
Born on 17th March 1983.
Enjoys Music: Listening, Playing & Singing inclusive.
Also crazy about basketball with the Slingers but moving further and further from it.
Pain Addiction = Wakeboarding.
I'm CoLd... So DoNt ToUcH Me...
Saturday, December 30, 2006 Juz wanna pen my thoughts down...
Well... nothing much in penning things down but this is my haven.. my solace of peace when i need to just pen things down. For those who have bothered to read the previous 3post posting.. Just some after thoughts on the 2nd post.. I still have been thinking i won't deny. Why? Perhaps i won't deny that i do feel a little disappointment that it did not mean anything as he isn't interested. Rumours always had it that he has been going after someone else. What does it mean to me? Well, no, i'm not interested in him in that sense. I still am very much into my bear. But perhaps it's 'cos i've ever taken a second look at this guy and had hopes that he'll take interest towards me.. Perhaps it's 'cos i need someone around me and the hug and kiss that night was something that i longed for unconciously inside. Don't be mistaken that i'm easy please.. but sometimes i just need someone around.. I just hope time will let matters fade.. I'm really glad for what bear did last night 'cos it cheered me up alot and made me feel stronger that this is just a matter which will go away and that my bear is who i want. I won't let my emotional, player side take over and it's 'cos of Him.. There's a sense of unexplained security that i wish with Him.. I do want to settle down and stop my playful days.. I just hope He'll be that person...
Okay, this one is short.. Went to walk around esplanade today since i'm was feeling kinda moody.. Don't ask me why. Ended up going up to Loof. Haha~ Didn't know if He'll be there since i didn't see His car.. Then met Shane in the lift. And there He was. Haha~ Just smile and got myself a seat.. Felt a little awkward 'cos i was alone.. Was calling Iris when he came over and asked what i wanted to drink. Hehe~ So cute. =P Anyway, Iris didn't wanna come out so late but said i could use her name to cover up saying that she 'fly me kite' so i'm alone. Haha~ Thanks gal! He came over quite awhile later while i was on the phone with my didi. Asked if I was alone so i had to use Iris's story. =P But He didn't stay and sit for a chat lar. Kinda disappointed. Then was gonna leave so i called for the bill which was kinda weird already since usually they'll send the bill after sending the order.. Then the waiter came and said He had already signed for it.. ARGH! Haha.. So went up to Him lor.. Shane was like 'what happened'.. I went like "who say you can sign for the drink?" Haha~ But of course not in those fierce tone lar.. Then He joked saying it wasn't Him but his waiter 'cos he say i pretty. LOL~ Crazy old man.. Told Him paiseh to let Him sign lar. Owe him one next time.. Hehe~ Or should i get Him something? Hehe~ I'm insane liao! Haha~ But in a way, i regained my sanity as well lar.. through him.. Haha~ 'Cos i know what i want.. I want my bear..
Well, i don't know if i should post about this but as usual.. Heck to who may read it. Like Neo likes to say.. this is my blog.. so i post what i want.. Well.. relationship stuff has been something i'm never good at. Never really know what i want exactly. And to be honest, i do play around a little too much. But it's when the unexpected things happen that will catch me off guard. This is case no. 3 in the 3 weeks He had been gone and me not seeing Him.. Nutz.. Story happened on Chirstmas countdown night. I mentioned about bringing Alexei and company out for countdown but no, it has nothing to do with them. Sent them back to hotel after countdown and the rest after supper. But went down with my 2 other refs to meet another group consisting of my ref chairman and some of the other dua pais for drinks. Didn't really wanna go but thought i would just sit for a while. Well, all was well, had a couple of drinks as we had to oblige and toast them. Then was time to go home. Thought i'd walk home since we were near home. JR said he'll send me home since he was gonna take a cab anyway. Well, thought he was okay, but apparently he was drunk.. Some things happened from there when he put his arms around me while walking back.. But no.. we did not do IT.. for the record. But we did hug.. and we did kiss.. So i have to admit i'm at fault as well. But to admit, i wasn't drunk, not that high neither.. for those who know i can hold my alcohol quite abit.. So what's the point behind it.. honestly, i don't know. Firstly.. what exactly happened? I mean how drunk was he.. what does he remember.. how does he feel for me.. how do I feel for him.. What goes on from here.. questions started popping up and i don't know but i felt we were both acting a little weird the next couple of days. Honestly, he ever did catch my attention before.. found him kinda cute.. but i know that things shouldn't happen between me and him.. 'cos there wasn't any mutual attraction.. well, at least not that i know of.. and that it would be pretty complicated or somewhat political. 'Cos people are forever curiously about my status which i don't deny doesn't appear too good.. and having anything with one of my refs can be a complicated issue.. what more him when we are both more prominent people around making it a little politically complicated as well.. But i did find myself troubled and needing answers. So i had to ask but i chose to msg him only during the last day of the competition so that knowing we won't meet too soon to avoid any embrassment. After some crapping from both sides, i asked how he felt about me. His answer was 'nice frdz.. but dunno lar 'cos dunno u tat well.'..then led on to asking about what exactly happened that night which i asked him what does he remember. He only remembers that he hugged me and then after all that he knew was his head was spinning. I told him we hugged and we did kiss.. he apologised. Well, i could only say that nvm, i take it as he was drunk and just not to drink so much next time.. What exactly is the point of all this? Don't know why but questions still exist in my mind.. What exactly am i thinking of? What exactly do i want?...
Okay, it's been quite a while since i last post as usual. but quite alot has happened so i shall keep them seperate in different postings. But be fore warned.. Haha. lengthy post ahead. Been busy the past week due to the Fiba Asia Women's Under-20 games. Quite abit happened during this period. First was having gotten to know the referees from other countries here for the games. This includes Alexei! A cute russian, 22 years old and standing at 2m tall! Haha~ He's really cute and cheeky. Took quite some photos with him but all in his camera. Will post if i manage to get it from him bah. Brought them to Merlion for photo taking session and also for the Christmas countdown at Orchard Road. It was crazy as we started 'war' with the others with our spray cans. Haha~ Kinda sad when they left yesterday but i got their contact info. so hope to still keep in touch with them. Already planning to go taiwan since i've said a million times i wanna go watch the SBL. And i got a good-bye kiss for Alexei and Thomas! Haha~ Many gals will hate me for that. But the games have also brought me worries. Had some tiffs with my juniors over at stats. Somehow i feel that they just simply disregard me. To them i'm nobody and in no position to tell them anything. Had shouted at people.. been pointed the middle finger at and called b***h.. I really wonder why i bother to tolerate at times.. or why did i work so hard to get recognised for the post of head statistician when to them here in Singapore, it didn't mean a single thing... I don't wanna lift myself high up on a pedistal as i do make mistakes but who doesn't? And if i'm not good then why have i been the only person recognised by our counterparts in Australia for the NBL? What exactly am i chasing after...
(Left: I kinda like this photo. Think i look rather good in it. Haha. Michelle & Me) (Right: This was taken at the SAF Yatch Club. It was really fun. We went on the jetski and the banana boat. Really enjoyed ourselves.)
Yeah, i sat on a dunking machine! Haha~ And i was actually asked to pose for a photo with the drink by the promoters there. Kinda cool i guess. My 1st modelling attempt? LOL!
Okay, haven't post anything for 2 weeks.. Well.. Been bz during this time and yeah~ It's been 2 weeks of not having Him around.. But i'll just keep things short before Mr Chicken Head, aka Neo, complain of me writing essay again. =P I left off when i was going to take my M9. Yeap, i passed and i've completed my AIMS course as well, so now it's just waiting for contract and i'll officially be a financial adviser with Prudential. So anyone wanna look through your financial report and get some insurance or investment? Haha~ Then the part where i applied for the Singapore-HongKong Youth Exchange under Southwest CDC. Was damn confident of getting in after my 1st interview but walking out from the 2nd.. i knew it was gone. Bloody politics again. Anyway, recently so much has happened with the guys around me. Am i really just wanting to play? Or just that i don't know what i want. Maybe it's just 'cos i know i won't get what i want. It's till a stage where i really wonder what am i doing at times and that i don't know myself anymore. The 2 weeks without Him around maybe did make me lose my mind a little. So for 2 weeks i kept myself busy with work till He came back on Friday. Didn't dare to message Him to see if He was back until yesterday night 'cos i didn't know the gals didn't arrange for wakeboarding session today. Only Amelia was interested but wanted to have kakis to go along. Ended up asking if He was back and for a slot but then having to cancel since nobody else wanted to go. Then was surprised when He called. Asked if i wanted to ride along with His other customer who was alone as well. Really nice of Him to have offered. Was so looking forward to today's session when it started to rain just as i was leaving my house. My phone rang and it was Him. My heart kinda sank 'cos i knew it was to cancel the session due to the rain. WHY?! Bloody rain.. I miss you...
